Imposter Syndrome in Neurodiversity
Neurodiversity is the idea that there are different neurological types, such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, and other conditions which are normal variations in cognitive functioning. In childhood, neurodiversity often means going unseen or being blamed for how we show up in the world. We might hear things like
‘You don’t look autistic’
‘You’re being difficult on purpose’
‘You’ll never get anywhere if you act like that!’
‘Stop being so sensitive!’
‘Don’t be so lazy’
It’s an experience that conditions us to not believe ourselves; to not believe our experience, our gut instincts, our perceptions. It is invalidating and often leads to self doubt, losing confidence, and feelings of difference and isolation. This is essentially systemic gaslighting, where the structures, norms and institutions around us deny our needs and realities. This is part of the trauma of growing up neurodiverse, diagnosed or not.
This is deeply painful and often involves feelings of shame. Many neurodiverse children learn to mask in order to protect themselves and find ways to fit in. This has varying levels of success, from barely working at all to convincing others that the child is in fact neurotypical. Masking is a false self that hides the struggle and creates increasing distance between the person and those around them. Yet, it is often praised because it alleviates the impact on others, as well as the structures and institutions involved in the child’s life.
As we experience ongoing gaslighting, we internalise it as part of our Parent ego state. The Parent ego state is the idea that withinin us is an inner parent which holds all the good, bad and indifferent ‘stuff’ from authority figures from our childhood. These may include our parents, adults in our extended family, teachers, religious leaders, even our culture, as just a few examples. This ‘stuff’ gives us strong messages about who we are and how we should be in the world.
We then continue to parent ourselves with that ‘stuff’; in this case gaslighting. This can show up as Imposter Syndrome, with thoughts like
‘If they really knew me, they’d know I’m only faking it’
‘I got away with it this time, next time they’ll know for sure’
‘I’ve got to prove I deserve to be here’
‘If I ask for accomodations they’ll think I can’t do this’
‘I randomly got that right, it won’t happen again’
All of this leads to more anxiety and more hard work to compensate for our supposed deficit, and it fails to acknowledge our strengths. It doesn’t have to be this way. Although self-gaslighting begins as a learnt reaction, we can get to know it in therapy. Really getting to know our unique experience of Neurodiversity and Imposter Syndrome brings awareness, and with this awareness we gain options. One option is to catch it, and give it the correct name so we know it's not about our authentic selves. This way, we can begin to heal rather than perpetuating the harm that's been done to us by society.